Microsoft Word erotica

Dirt is a daily email about entertainment.

Natasha Piñon on Conquered by Clippy, one of the strangest pieces of smut ever put online.

Rule 34—the internet law that states that if something exists, there is a porn version of it—has delivered countless bounties: Calvin and Hobbes erotica; Bee Movie memes that I accidentally sent my tween cousin one time; Teletubbies with colossal asses.

Yet none of these degenerate glories rival Conquered by Clippy. For those who read Microsoft-themed erotic fanfic for the plot: Conquered by Clippy is about an “independent woman” named Christie, who “doesn’t need help with anything” until a “giant living paperclip” gets her “all bent out of shape.” The story also features a character named Phil Gates.

Sometimes humans emote in dramatic and unexpected ways, which is what happened to me when I read the following passage after forking over $2.99 to obtain my very own copy of the story described by its author as “erotica written by a virgin.”

The whole thing is like this, more or less. “Assist me deeper,” goes one oft-quoted line. First published in 2015, the internet seems to collectively discover this offbeat tale in cycles, always ushering in a wave of bemused headlines, confused Goodreads reviews and, this time around, appalled TikToks.

PHIL GATES

SPINE TICKLING

This Newsletter Was Sent With Beehiiv

Here at Dirt, we know our readers have a lot to say. If you’ve considered starting a newsletter, there’s no better place to get started and no better time than now.

Beehiiv's all-in-one publishing suite comes with built-in growth tools, customization, and best-in-class analytics that actually move the needle—all in an easy-to-use interface with other useful features like responsive audience polls, a custom referral program, SEO-optimized web pages, and so much more...

Try beehiiv absolutely free with no credit card required.